Mondays are notorious for not being the best day of the week! I lost the vision in my left eye for a couple of minutes today. About twenty years ago I had become blind in my left eye due to a cataract. About eighteen years ago my sight was restored in that eye when I had the cataract removed. Brill! Today I rubbed my eyes and lost the sight in my left eye again. It was like trying to see through thick cellophane, just like a cataract. My vision returned after about two or three minutes. Phew! It’s still good.
Then I was asked to fill out an online questionnaire. It was about health and wellbeing. I was doing quite well until I got to the bit about traumatic events experienced in my life and how they have affected me.
I went through the agony of vividly replaying in my mind, watching as a five or six year old, another child of the same age being slowly crushed to death against a brick wall by a the wheel rim of a slow moving lorry (truck). Blood! The child had tried to squeeze through the gap as the truck tried to manoeuvre around a corner where we were. Painful memories. Tears! Aaargh!!!
The survey also went on to ask: Other than rape, were you sexually assaulted or molested? What? I’ve only just started talking about this upon hearing about someone else’s demise. The survey asked at what age did the sexual molestation begin and at what age did it end? And how many times was I sexually molested? Tearing up once more I wracked my brains to recall events from almost fifty years ago! I suppose it was between the ages of ten and twelve. Maybe thirty times? But it was probably more, much more!
I’ve been walking around with this smelly sludge sloshing around in the dark bilges of my mind from pre to post pubescence! Yes, I had told my wife about it years ago and maybe one of my sisters a couple of years ago. But that was about it until recently. Recently I have told about five or six others about this. Man, speaking about it has made me feel better! None of what happened to me was my fault!
But back to the survey… The questionnaire asked how these painful memories were affecting me. Through the tears I ticked the appropriate boxes as I sobbed and blew my runny nose into tissues. Then running both (seeing!) eyes over the page again in order to make sure I had answered all the questions I was ready to move on to the next page. I pressed the button on the screen hoping the questions on the next page would be somewhat less painful than what I had just gone through. No-o-o! It wanted me to “sign in” again. Somehow all the previous data had been irretrievably lost!
I may try again tomorrow but I’m not looking forward to going through all of those painful questions again. But then again, upon reflection, talking about it is helping me to face up to my demons… Begone! Tomorrow's a new day!
Lord Jesus, I trust You. You alone are my hope. You are my Rock. You are my solace. You are my Light in the dark place. Help me to dwell always in the light, Your light. And I thank You that all wrongs will be righted upon Your return!